They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We're not piercing ourselves today.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
