um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
