your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
