The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Boobs speak an international language.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
