she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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