Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
