He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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