I don't remember. Are we still dating?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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