It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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