Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
