I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
