I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
