Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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