Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
