either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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