I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
