I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
