the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
