Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
