Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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