he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
