An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
