Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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