Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
