i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize