VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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