My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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