what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
