well I can't set my house on fire every night
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
