so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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