If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
