Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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