Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
