I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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