Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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