Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
