I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
