This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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