i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
