Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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