They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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