Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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