Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
