I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We were destined to go to rehab together
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
