1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
