he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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