good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
