The best revenge is premature balding
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
