id be glad to
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
