Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
