I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
