so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
