I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
