mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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