Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
