What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
