judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
