Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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