The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
