there's paper in my vomit.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
