A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dicks are not precious.
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