What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
