After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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