I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
