This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
