just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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